A year a go… two years ago? Oh… 2009… I went to Japan… met a girl… we only hooked up twice… i guess that’s a one night stand… but i was really crazy for her. i felt tears and nervous and laughter all at the same time… she made me feel so strong… and small at the same time… She had worked in porn at one point… when we met she had moved on… started working in a corporate job, well educated…. looking to stabilize her life….
I can’t begin to describe how grateful i am for having met her…. I never expected we would be in a relationship or anything would happen. Indeed, nothing more ever happened. She wouldn’t even bother considering me a friend… though i had tried to keep in touch a few times….
So why am i so grateful? Well… you know those butterflies they say are down in your tummy when you find someone special?
You know those nervous sweats, those clammy hands, those irrational thoughts you get when you think about someone that you just wish you could be with again… yet would just as soon die before facing them out of nervousness?
That was her.
See, those feelings… I haven’t really had…. in many years. and the moment i met her…those emotions came back to me like a wave. I felt alive again. i can count 4 times i had these in my entire life… the last 3 being nearly a decade ago.
See, i’ve grown decensitized… i’ve adapted to my heart constantly breaking…. so, i’ve built a jigsaw heart that i can break and put back together quickly. Love and affection and it’s wondrous possibilities don’t really phase me much anymore. I’ve given up on love.
With her, i found myself, sweating as i held the phone… every day… hoping she’d call back… email back… checking every 5 min…. (sure i do that still… but it’s more out of a nervous tick than out of love due to all the constant heartbreaks and emotional beatings…. )
I remember she made me cry…. the last night… i remember whispering at night a prayer that she wouldn’t leave… begging for us to be together if at all possible (it wasn’t).
Again, what was so special about her? she actually caused me pain. unadulterated emotional raping…. which is why i’m grateful! See… she reminded me… my heart’s not dead. Once again, i felt those feelings again…. all the feelings that had made me want to love, cherish, protect, and even die for another human being.
She brought out the Knight from my heart… the chivalrous idealist that had withered away long ago….
She held his nervous hand… and took him outside, and showed him… for a day… that the sun still shines….
She found him on the ground, not making a sound…. much too small, fragile, broken…. to ever move again.
she kissed his forehead…. told him “get up… it’s nice outside”…. and left.
The thing with porn stars? they use stage names.
Tonight i found her stage name. Not by accident… i researched. too much. and found it. I wish i hadn’t.
Seeing her nice ass up in the air again and some horny pervert mounting her from behind …. with her tongue out breathing like a dog in heat under harsh neon lights…NOT cool.
let’s say this… jealousy was NOT the problem.. I had to bury those feelings really hard…. really deep. They hurt… a lot. She brought out, the good ones… loved them, and made me feel safe. I had to numb myself again to go on… to continue my life… I had to bury them again. While i wait patiently to meet the one that makes me feel safe…. I need to deal with my life. i can’t be a Goth-riddled teenager in the corner sucking my thumb, wiping my eyeliner away all the time. I NEED to function.
By seeing her like this… well… it forced all those emotions and memories back out. Like a gushing wave….
thanks a lot. No really. Fuck.