So how to make an authentic romanian restaurant?
Well you start by greeting your customer with a cold gaze that says, “why are you bothering me?”
Then you sit them down… at a table where the chair just happens to bump up against a folding picnic table that you happen to have placed right where it can dig into the customer’s ribs…. And to make it extra authentic, this seat should be approximately 5 feet away from THE LARGEST subwoofer this side of a European Techno nightclub….
What should be served in a romanian restaurant?
You have mamaliga cu branza…
Basically cornmeal, with feta cheese, boiled eggs, butter, and sour cream….
while this smells like a sewer full of dead babies on a moldy summer day….It does actually taste good.
Upon asking you where the bathroom is, you point galliantly in a general direction… in which the bathroom is not. This ensures that the customer is perfectly confused, and will most likely not know where to urinate….
if they should happen to somehow discover your bathroom… you MUST ensure that while everything is in propper working order, the door to the stall itself… does NOT open completely and thus forces the customer to squeeze through to enter the stall… it is even better if the cramped space between the toilet and the door is so small, that the customer does, indeed, have to brush up against the toilet to get in. This ensures that all your bacteria is transfered to the customer, and cleansing your toilet in the process.
then you have mititei….
Basically its a type of sausage… sometimes made with ground meat, garlic, onion, peppers, and other mysterious products… a side of mashed potatoes with feta cheese and mustard is often recommended…
Finally you have sarmale…
This is basically stuffed cabbage .. you take cabbage and cooked ground meat, and then put it in the oven… and let it broil for about … well… the entire friggin day! often served with a side of cornmeal (mamaliga) and sour cream….
And after all that you MUST ensure that your customer feels sick , queasy, stuffed, and often should not be able to walk straight. Its better if they need to go to the bathroom… as was discussed earlier they should NOT know where the bathroom is… this will ensure they never return again to your restaurant… thus you never have to be bothered at work.
Actually… the feeling of… things always going wrong…. is a common aspect of romanian culture. Things often … work… but not quite the way they are supposed to. Toothpaste has paint that comes off the tube onto your hands… yet the toothpaste is fine to use.
Toothbrushes often have a few bristles that come out each time you use them… and get stuck in your teeth. harmless, and can still be used… but strange and uncomfortable…
Microwaves often have no lighting inside…s o you can’t see the condition of the food your cooking… yet still useful…
Blenders spin and cut, but somehow make a weird “singing” noise….
Doors work as expected… but often open in the wrong direction…
Its interesting how japanese culture prides itself and excels in making the customer feel “comfortable” in using a product… whereas romanians… dont’ seem to have this quite yet. Mind you, I do respect my own culture, and there are things Romanians are amazing at… but making a product that’s user-friendly… is not one of them.