Granted, I’m a victim of my own misgivings of others, however, I often feel frustrated with how people… nay… THE world seems to INTERNALLY destroy itself/themselves.
Some examples of what i mean :
1) Went a few dates with a girl recently. Wonderful girl. Smart, beautiful, passionate, intelligent… After a few dates she became pretty adament about pushing for a relationship due to how similar we are. I wasn’t against this, I just felt I needed some time to get my feelings sorted out. I’m generally a pretty intense person… and I can get VERY emotional… and I knew she probably wasn’t ready for the “crazy” Alex. I warned her of this, and asked her to wait a bit… for us to get to know each other better… what did she do in response? Try to break it off with me, right then and there. THAT set me off. I became adament to keep her in my world… why ON EARTH WOULD I DO THAT!?!?!? I mean… this person is JUST as unstable as I can be sometimes… and two crazies don’t make a normal. So what was the result of all my “AUTO SELF DESTRUCTION”? (we’ll continue forward referring to Auto Self Destruction as ASD). Well, I pretty much became a bit creepy and pushy… and drove her away.
so what was the ASD there?
well… on her side… she kept playing with my emotions KNOWING full well how dangerous it was and how susceptible I am to dragging my heart around by changing her mind and constantly displaying a hypocracy…
but on my part? the ASD was staying in the relationship in the first place! I KNOW this type of person! I have had SERIOUS issues with women like this in my life. I can spot them a mile away… so why do i let them get under my skin so much!!?!?! ASD.
See… people such as this… create a fantasy world for me. Because their version of the world… is nothing like mine. They view things without logic… oh surely they may have their OWN logic,… as indeed she was smart and mature and adult. But… her logic was NOT one from a conservative eastern european raised in Ghetto USA. She didn’t complete college, she doesn’t know what it means to fight and kill for food…. Or survival…. Now I’m NOT insulting her… or her way… this is part of life and different cultures and people… my point simply being that her LOGIC is different. Mine is more… mundane. I follow simple paths of thought… if it feeds me its good. If it shelters me… its good. If it loves me… its good. That’s it. No other questions. I believe in responsibility to the world around us… not because of grace or goodwill… but because without it… we gain nothing. I rarely follow my heart… because when I DO follow my heart… I end up getting in trouble or getting deathly ill. AS was the case here. As was the case with my ex wife….
So again… these types of people… their logic being soooo different… yet passionate…. Yes, that’s the formula… an exotic logic, combined with some form of passion… and a sprinkle of fickleness… seems to take me out of my world… and into this NEW world where I’m lost… and I become addicted.
In my discussions with my mother… we call these people “zuzaâ€. When I was a kid in romania… there was a lady outside my building… who had this circus flute that is a rolled up piece of paper…. And when you blow on it… it flaps out like a tongue and makes a noise… ZUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuzaaaaaaaaaaa…..
Every time I saw this woman… she was sooo strange… sitting there in her underwear (elderly) making noises at people…. I couldn’t stop staring at her. She captivated me. Not in a good or bad way… just I couldn’t stop seeing her. Thus… my mom noticed my addiction to “ZUZAâ€.
2) I had a meeting at work today… at 1 pm. My ffault for scheduling this meeting with developers. There is a deadline the following day, and I created a workflow that they should follow… and I wanted to review with them… IF it was good or needed altering.
1pm comes around… and guess what? All the developers are out to a long lunch. Ok… fine… THEN WHY ACCEPT THE MEETING INVITE!?!?!?! … regardless… its understandable so I reschedule. 3 PM. Again they accept….
Ironically they have conflicting meetings, and when 3 pm rolls around… THEY ARE NOT SHOWING UP! Again… WHY NOT JUST DECLINE THE MEETING!
I reschedule AGAIN for 4 pm… FINALLY we get to meet… for 10 min. nice. The meeting is a joke, nothing goes smoothly as people are wishing to rush out and go to their next meeting quick so they can get home asap….
The ASD here?
Well of course the first sign is … why signup for a meeting you can’t attend?
Second… the meeting was for their benefit… not mine. This deadline falls on them, and will go to management if failed. My first instinct was to NOT reschedule… and let them do what they can… and simply follow up with an email the following day… asking for a status update… surprisingly 10 minutes before the deadline.
3) So… a few weeks ago, this girl I JUST met asked me to have a one night stand. She said she thinks I’m attractive and is willing for that one day to let me do whatever I want with her.
I wrote about this before…. But basically I said I can’t do that cause I figured something was wrong with her, and it turned out she was really lonely and depressed. So I did what I could to assist her as a friend instead of being physical with her. I talked to her about loneliness and shared some of my own experiences.
Now today… I felt lonely… so… I asked her to spend some time with me… I didn’t ask for anything sexual… but she THOUGHT I was referring to something sexual. Soo… she quickly made it clear that she would feel CHEAP if I wanted something sexual. After I took care of her and was kind… AFTER she acted desperate… she would feel cheap? Because IF (AGAIN I DIDN’T WANT SEX!)… but IF I had wanted it… it would be cheap!?!?!??
How is this ASD? Well… she just ruined a friendship. More than that… she pissed me off. Next time she needs help… she will regret asking me. By insulting me in this way she just ruined her chances of ever finding kindness from me again….
ASD I tell you…