Fear of Losing Love

As i’ve been working on my insecurities, there’s a few points that are critical to know in the background.  I’m insecure when it comes to love.  not casual relationships, not friendships, not humanity.  when i’m deeply in love, when i’m vulnerable, when someone else loves me.

I push people really fucking hard.  It’s been 20 years, 40 people i’ve lived with, over 100 girlfriends, and many more encounters.  and the story is always the same…. i push them really hard, until they are sick of me.. and leave me.  i’m very open right from the beginning about how tough i can be to deal with…  (and i talk about that in other articles… basically it’s to remove and not waste time with people who won’t be able to handle me)…..

My insecurity can be summed up by a single sentence :  I’m afraid my partner will suddenly stop loving me.

that sentence, runs through my head every second of every day. 24 hours a day.  it’s sheer torment, and i’ve lived that way most of my life.  I’ve had that crippling fear every time i’m in a relationship… and afraid they’ll leave me… every fucking moment of every day.

My girl asked me… why? why does your mind feel so consumed by this? why do you get panic attacks over this so badly?  everyone worries.. but why does this CRIPPLE you so much?  why dont’ you trust your partner to love you, just cause they are gone for a few hours?

at first, my answer was, well, i had my trauma… (lists various childhood traumas that resulted in abandonment issues… see all over my blog and you’ll get the hint).  and that just resulted in who i am today.

But that wasn’t good enough.  WHY….. why did my trauma, lead me to this person i am today?  others go through similar stuff…. why they don’t have this same behavior pattern?

• Phase 1 – the guilt
  • it starts with everything about my background… abandonment, communism, personality, violence, unstable, fucked up shit….
    • i’ve learned to be vulnerable… show the world who i am… i believe being open and showing your vulnerability does NOT make you weak. especially as i’ve overcome most of them.  i live a relatively decent life.  i’ve wrestled and come to terms with most of my demons.
    • By opening up… this way, i let the ones who hate me… leave. and the ones that stick around…. truly love me.
    • i’m so grateful to them… so glad to have awesome people in my life…. who work with me, appreciate me, tolerate me.
  • the gratitude of that feeling…. to feel so lucky to have them, to feel so privileged to be loved…. when i’m in a relationship…. and to see them put up with me day in and day out….. makes me think i’m a burden on them.
    • in casual dating, i don’t’ care.  i know i’m a good person, i’ve come a long way, and i’m no longer the horrible asshole monster i was long ago….. i know that. i’m kind in many ways… and i’ve overcome so much…..
    • but when someone loves me… gives me a chance, i feel… WOW… this is a fucking saint!  i put them on a pedestal. i cherish their love so much, and am so grateful to have a chance to get back what i lost so many times
      • that’s when i reflect my own flaws… and i think about my demons… and how difficult it must be to put up with me.  i remember how it’s the same reason so many people left me…. how many people don’t want the real me… no matter how much i show them who i am. the whores, strippers, cheating, abandoning, abuse, vices, crimes, outrage, selfishness, anger,  … just a history of everything a human can do… to survive.
      • i could say it’s cause my mom abandoned me, or my parents, or growing up in communism, being poor, exes cheating, or the shit i did, the horrible things i’ve done to people, the lying, stealing, cheating i’ve done, the rejection…  (ever slept with someone and stole their tv?) …. but…. it’s more like a culmination of time and growth and the more i realized about who i am… the worse this feeling got.  i somehow doubt there’s ONE moment in time where i became to feel guilt.
    • PROBLEM 1 – this is where i don’t value myself.  i feel so lucky, in a deep loving committed relationship…. i just don’t think i’m WORTH BEING LOVED.  i know i have a right to love, i know i have a right to be happy.  i fully believe 99% of the world is shitheads.  I also believe i’m better than most shitheads……. the problem is… love.  deep down, i don’t believe i’m worth loving. i don’t really think many people have any redeemable loving qualities… except for the few that i’ve seen be so kind and sweet in the face of all dangers and challenges to their partners. but those people are so rare and few between.  Thank God for bringing some of those kind souls to me… thank you.    But…. that… there… is the problem.  while i’m a good person … i don’t believe i’m a good lover. i dont’ believe i’m worth LOVING.  not sexually. not romantically.
      • in my gratitude to my lovers…. i want to do something nice.  i honestly feel i owe them. for their kindness… for their sweet nature.  to show appreciation for their love to me.  for being in my life.
      • maybe i give a gift… or a sweet letter, or do a trip, etc.
    • PROBLEM 2 – i don’t expect anything from them.  I expect I’LL FEEL BETTER!  i expect by showing appreciation, and appreciating them… my guilt will go away.  my feeling that i’m not worthy enough…. of their love… will go away.  and i’ll feel we are on the same page and happy equally.
      • it doesn’t.  nothing changes.  the guilt is still there.
      • the feeling i’m not worthy (keep in mind 20 years of this behavior)…. is still there.
    • PROBLEM 3 – so i start to worry.  i start to feel i failed. i must feel guilty, and burdening them … oh god, i’m just as bad as i thought i was before.
      • at this point it shows…. my body language… how i talk. i start to appear down.  obviously, if my appreciation hasn’t made me feel i’m worthy… and everything is the same…. maybe that’s cause I’M the problem?  I’M THE BURDEN!!! the panic attacks start to come.
      • it starts to show in my demeanor, body language, behavior. i start to be depressed.
      • I suddenly worry, they will realize what i think all the time… i’m not worth their love.
• This is when PHASE 2 comes in – the Cycle
  • My partners ask, what’s wrong?  being the kind beautiful souls they are… they want to help me.  what’s wrong? are you ok?
  • i open up truthfully, i tell them i’m down.  i tell them what i’m feeling… i feel i’m not really appreciated/ unloved/ i feel i’m not really …. i look at them, not knowing about PHASE 1 … (cause all that shit happens in the background in the back of my head)… i innocently ask … do you love me?
  • they do. they try to make me feel better. they want to come to my rescue.  of COURSE i’m loved! honey!  we all love you!!!  they do so much to try to make me feel better.
  • but…… the guilt is still there.  somehow i’m not convinced i’m worth loving.  i’m worthy of life… i’m worthy of happiness… but being loved and that i’m not a burden on them?  nope.
  • then i start blaming.  you didn’t try hard enough, you didn’t do this, do that,
  • they try again…. eventually they get tired of trying.  and i go ape shit.  After all, i live in my own personal hell…. in their honor….i feel miserable but i suck it up and suffer  daily…. why can’t they?  if they love me so much…. i start to test them… push them harder and harder….
  • they run.  i chase harder.
  • at this point…. Phase 1 is totally gone… it’s not just the cycle…. this itself becomes it’s own self-spinning wheel.
  • THIS is where i become clingy/needy… and partners eventually leave.  i’m too Needy and clingy. i’ve heard that over and over again.   this is what people i’m with see on the outside… THIS is the moment they realize this relationship isn’t good.  THIS is the moment they realize it’s a toxic relationship.

The cycle goes on and on.  i DO value myself as a human being.  I DON’T value myself as a lover.  as a partner.

i’ll figure out a solution later. i don’t wanna stop being open and i don’t wanna stop doing nice things. nor do i want to stop appreciating and loving people that love me too.  I also don’t want to stop being open and honest.  baby steps.  baby steps.