It’s disturbing how sensitive we are… As people… As spirits…. How one little thing can rock our mind shatter our hearts and have a chain reaction that can ruin lives. I’d discuss at another time… The details… But for now … There’s this situation recently where my emotions and feelings have completely changed…. Again… I’ll write about the details another time when I’m ok and ready to bring up the feelings and memories to put into words… But the end result is that the mere mention of this person makes my blood pump… My eyes dilate …. I get dizzy… Shake…. Sweat… And start a fever….. All I feel is hate and sick and queasy and anger and rage.. To build the environment for you….
Well about two weeks… I realized a grave mistake on my part… Actually in a drunken stupor… I heard a song…. And for whatever fortune may be… I was on Facebook and at the same time I hit upon my old friend’s page… In japan. Who was she?
Well she was my savior on many occasions. She was there when my dad died for me… Took me in… Gave me a home and shelter in japan when I was homeless…. She met me first when I was down and lacking confidence and built up my ego… She was there when I was conflicted about my old fiancee…. She was there. Many times. She is also quite older than me. Old enough to be my mother actually…… And yes we were physically romantic at times… Again… Times when I needed this… When I was lonely, feeling ugly… Unloved… She made me feel like a man… Gave me confidence… Treated me so kind and tender.
What was my mistake? I never thanked her, never…. Not once. See… She kinda liked me for being younger… And I always acted a bit like the spoiled younger guy sleeping with an older successful woman…. Like how a child never really thanks their mum for making dinner….but she’s not my mum. And I have no right to take and take her kindness without letting her know how much I really appreciate it… Without telling her how she saved me… From insanity… How I wouldn’t be sane and happy today without her…. Those few moments I had with her were triggers for my strength today….
It was a timely playing of a song with my drunkenness and her picture on my screen in the Facebook live feed popping up… All culminating to a realization…. Quite the grave error and inhumane aspect of myself.
Embarrassing,y I committed to right this wrong. To send her a letter truly thanking her and letting her know how much she meant to me. As a friend. And while she may not be in my heart romantically… After all we are just platonic now…. She is truly someone I cherish and respect. Even If it wasn’t her purposeful intent to look out for me. She did.
That was 2 weeks ago. Still no letter to her. Why? Cause this person that riled me up.. That makes my veins burn…. Puts me in a constant state of disarray and anger and bitterness and unable to go into that warm happy place where I can muster up a proper emotional thank you note.
I sit down. Think about the kindness she gave me. I feel warm. Happy. Grateful. I start writing… Then my phone lights up. There on the screen is the cray bitch. The harassing name that terrorizes me. The nightmare. Just glaring at me. I don’t read the message. Just see the name. My heart starts to pound… I sweat. I shake. My hands are shaking… I can’t type…. A swell of traitorous memories come up… I feel I’m going to vomit. I want to punch something. Rage. I want to break something. Destroy. Break. Take my rage and put it on someone. I want someone to feel the pain I’m feeling. Anyone. That bum outside screaming. Yeah go out there and kick his teeth in.
In one simple text message I go from the grateful friend… To the rabid dog coming out of the cave to bite any random stranger….
Every day. A single mention of the terrorist… Dropping her text bombs … Her mere presence ruins every moment for the rest of the day. Puts me in a place where I cannot treat people how I want to treat them, and …. 2 weeks have passed, More could pass. So many… I fear my old friend may not even be around by the time I get around to saying my thanks.
What a shame that ones who deserve our kindness cannot get it… Because those who do not ruin it for the rest ….
It’s on me I know. I have to control myself. Be diligent and dedicated. But I’m an emotional one… I sway easily. And that swaying… While it can cause me to lose out…. To fail… Is also what makes me sympathetic and patient….. I need to make more efforts to try and navigate. To rock or sway the tides in the direction I want.
Let’s give that thank you letter another try… Put the phone upside down. Turn it off. Maybe today that letter can go out… She deserves to know how wonderful she is…..